hmm... a week has passed with familiaring self to the route to the new workplace. challenging i tell ya... with the narrow lane and crowded small town. *shivers*... cannot even imagine having to do home visit on my own at this point. stomach churning just at the thought... tsk tsk tsk...

but hey ho... i did decide to try working in the rural setting. and so far, i've enjoyed it. mostly for the sake of all those time i managed to spend with my little sunshine... the little time i had to be with her and learn the essence of a mother. there is still a lot to be learnt... just like my rusty driving skills. heh

broody baby... aiyooo... not that i have not thought about it at all. but now it seemed to be the right time to seriously consider the option. especially since 2 of my colleague become pregnant and the lovely visit from a friend with her 4 months old baby... oh, the vibes i'm getting from them. hahaha. will keep you posted if there is news...

wow... look at this. almost a year since i wrote anything here. hey hoo... i'm back. lots of things happened in between of course but my memories sometimes failed me. it did felt like a long long time though.

it is also almost a year since i decided to move from the city to this more outskirt town area, so close to the national park. it is also almost a year since i made the decision to specialise in family medicine, primary care. lots of adjustment and familiarisation going on in this year. to get to know the nook and cranny of this new place. and as usual, i don't feel 100% belonged. i doubt i ever will be. but hey, a year is too short to tell...

it has also been 6 months since i last went 'home'... it is also almost 10 years since i have been in this land. it is becoming harder to tell where is 'home'? i supposed the question should be what is 'home'? i supposed if home is where the heart is, i still cannot decide. and even if home is where my family is... both are now my home.

sadly to say... i do find my malay vocab are failing me at times. not that i think my english are getting much better too. it hit me as my little girl is much more fluent in english than in malay. maybe it's just the books and TV exposed to her here. but my next mission going back home is definitely to get her lots of malay storybook, and few for myself...

i love my root and tradition, but there are things back home that just don't make sense. politics for example... can easily make me sick with severe chest pain... a lot of heart ache really. only one malay in top 10 malaysian billionaires?. its hard to see a future for the my younger generation, in education, economy and finance, and the worse thing is not many are prepared and realising the facts and preparing themselves. even in politics, "menang sorak kampung tergadai". i wish this is not the case.

ignorance and sense of false security is inevitable when one is in the comfort zone. i know... it took me to be a minority myself and living in uncertainty to take the risk i'm taking now. in hope for a better future for my children. 'uncertainty' is a big theme in my life at present... and for quite some more time by the look of things...

thankfully, there are other precious certainty in my life to keep me sane. the love of my life, my little angel, the blessed family who are always close to heart, and beautiful friendships. alhamdulillah...

heh... really?

i think it has been ages since i've been blogging. as i think most bloggers would agree, the idea comes flowing more when one is in need, one is in a dilemma or is evolving. at least for me, the idea seem stagnant these days.

i remembered discussing about blogging with friends who also blog, monkey years ago... that we'll keep on blogging so that we can update ourselves no matter how far we may be. hmm... i guess i did not actually kept my end of the bargain. *sorry*

the thing is these days... finding time is one issue. but let alone that, idea is lagging. i can always talk about my little star, the bables, the pooh, the tantrum etc... but i think as much as it can be entertaining, it can be quite personal to me and can be annoying to some. so... i rather not. and forgive me dear, i think you have become my oulet these days, my place to reconcile my thoughts, my worry, my heartache, my share of joy. for that, i cannot thank you enough....

wahhh... mellow already... aiyakk! see... that's why i haven't been blogging. age is catching up. oh nooo... ahahaha.

i guess today i just feel like writing again. to somehow rekinder those days when my thoughts appear in letters. and all of these i can safely said, may well be because of the interviews that's been hovering over my head for about a month now... and for a few weeks longer *huhuhuh*

nota kaki: as per previous entry, i hate being in "spotlight"... and to add to that, i also hate the fact that i have to "sell" myself to do my job. urghhh... interviews. the pretentious few hours that will decide on one's job. *horror*

i think i've tried hard last time with not so much joy that at this point... i felt like braving the wind and be myself. take it or leave it? can i be that bold to them? hah.. we'll see.

feeling great. over the moon. the best birthday present ever. alhamdulillah.

the two made their way back to my arms yesterday. i sat on a 6 hours journey by bus just to greet them. just to be with them. worth all the hassle. even drove home for a bit afterward. poor them... shattered from the flights. with the delays and all.

it's full house again. alhamdulillah. i am one happy bunny!

i guess today marks another stage in my life. another milestone. another year spent. the fact is we will never grow any younger, but one can always hope that with each year, we are growing wiser... better and an improved person. let's pray for that. i know i could not have possibly be where i am today without those who i cared for so much. those who have coloured my life. thank YOU and may Allah bless you always.

 

the short trip home turn out to be slightly longer than expected. but nevermind that, quite a few things attracted my attention.

the revolution in 'tudung'... woweee... i'm so outdated. haha. but still, i dare not try the latest trend. tudung sekali dengan serkup? hehe. ala ala cerita indon solehah gitu. i'll see if my eyes will trick me once everyone's wearing it.

and don't even start with driving skills. just gave me the creep having motorists coming left and right. as if your have 9 lifes like cats. *shudders*

the prices of petrol went up in just days but it took weeks if not months to bring the prices down. and 120 ringgit to fill up waja? goodness me... it dread me to think how much i need to earn to actually... err... drive a car and live.

on similar topic, the prices of petrol came down but no... not the goods. and how much do a family with 3 little kiddies have to spent in one shopping... 700 ringgit! my oh my... sometimes twice a month. *horror*

another interesting sight are the cars that's parked underneath the LOW COST flats... you name it. the latest BM 5 series, audi, honda... i bet you'll find it there. one can only wonder if the money not worth spending on a better house?

and the sights at the playground... little children with... hey, wait a minute... feels like travelling to a neighbouring region. owh... the babysitters.

nasi lemak ENAK kfc 7 ringgit??? 10 ringgit with a piece of chicken. i thought i was having hallucination... and is it me or the chicken actually gets smaller?

sopan santun berbudi bahasa budaya kita? hmm... i don't think i see much of that. especially with the sales people choosing who they want to serve - judging only by look. heh. interesting to see how they'd entertain you if they know you actually work abroad.

home sweet home... there's nothing like sweating to the bones but loving it the same.

 

the flight home was not bad at all... she slept 6 hours straight and so did i. he was with me. we are together. tired but content. it was by many miles better than the flight back. not because of the service. not because of any hiccups. more than anything, it was the loneliness. the heart crumpled... missing its beat and the soul that has to be left behind.

it has to be done.
it is the best decision.
it just has to be.

and i remembered her climbing her favourite chair.
his smile... her tiny lips making non-sensible chatters.

the mystery of love,
to love and be loved,
how it make one goes over the moon...
how being apart hurts so deep...

and with the reform of immigration rules and what not at the moment... i can only hope we can be together again soon, insyaallah. in the meantime, we'll hold on to that longing. that mutual feeling. and the faith. to savour the juices of life. for life is not a destination. it's a journey. and every steps count.

i can officially do the final countdown. weeheeee... excited ok! first time we will be flying with little cik sarah in about 63 hours.

*gulp* actually it's also quite scary as i don't know what to expect. travelling with little todler will definitely be different and i am trying to anticipate the worst to prepare myself... bley ke gitu? ke... selamba je laa... as one would say, you can never be fully prepared with kids anyway. but things do happen when you least expected. heh.

we are thinking of weaning sarah off bottle completely... is now a bad time? heee... i thought so but it may actually work out ok. she's one now and only having bottles at night anyway... and she's already used to the idea of straw and sippy cup. maybe it'll work, we'll see. think positive!

hmm... still have to work right to the minute before setting off and this week is not the best week at all. 2 out of 4 men down and will be running wild at work. so whatever needs packing have to be done today, full stop.

aishhh.... i can already see home sweet home. ahahaha =P

perjalanan jauh tak kurasa
kerna hatiku melonjak sama
ingin berjumpa sanak saudara
yang selalu bermain di mata
nun menghijau gunung ladang dan rimba
langit yang tinggi bertambah birunya
deru angin turut sama berlagu
semuanya bagai turut gembiraaaaa...
ooOOoo... balik kampung... ooOOoo... balik kampung

i bet the flight will be full of kids too... heh... agak agak dapat ke cot? if not she'll have to sleep with me... if she manage to sleep at all that is. sarah is very easily distracted and she will not... and i mean NOT... go to sleep when she knows so many thing is happening around her. again... we'll see. maybe she'll get so tired in that 13 hours flight that she'll nodd off.

heee... i need to calm down. it's all gonna be ok.
dear hubby will be there and he'll be the man. ahaks =P

sometimes we dwell too much in the illness and in the jobs not done, that we forget to look up and see the beauty of health and happiness, and the jobs well done... it is ever so natural i guess.

too many sweaty clammy patients to deal with that once they are stable, they goes to the bottom of your list to see... occasionally catching glimpse of their smiley faces with the physio, on the road to recovery... whilst you move on to the next sweaty clammy patient. not that you don't want to stay with them till the end... till they've gone home... but the fact is someone else needed you, you just have to move on...

yesterday i was told off by a consultant for not seeing a patient of his, which in retrospect is quite stable, only needing respite and some other non-urgent follow up. in fact, i have seen all the rest of the patients on the ward... but he is one of the good one in this 'lovely' speciality which i still cannot find a place for in my heart. and he was disappointed. and so was I. to think that i have neglected a patient... *sigh*

however later that day, a staff nurse told me about a patient who asked her to spell my name because she thinks i am wonderful and i listen to her. and indeed the day before i did spent literally 45 minutes listening to her... i guess she has lots to get off her chest... and today, walking into a cubicle of four quite elderly gentleman... i was greeted and told they were just talking about me earlier and a consensus made that i look after them well and deserve a pat on the back... i nearly ran away from that room. *me is not so good with spotlight*

i felt relieved... at least i know i did my job. and i know i did make some people gets better. i felt the drive again to work... to go the extra miles to sort out the patients. and further to my suprise today, the consultant came back onto the ward and actually apologise for his temper the day before... which is a very rare thing to happen in general and for that i respect him. but lesson learnt. done and dusted.

i guess as much as i don't enjoy this speciality i'm doing at present, i know i have given my best to sort them out medically... to make them better. and for that i can smile and be satisfied. it's not the consultant who i need to please as such. it's the patient that i need to focus on. and at the end of the day, their smile makes all the mess and the jobs worthwhile... besides the pay to keep me alive of course! ahaks

h.a.p.p.y b.i.r.t.d.a.y.s.a.r.a.h

my little girl turns one
oh girl, you've grown so much
oh girl, a year has passed
oh girl, you're still my little sunshine...

may you grow as one beautiful fine lady
with lots of love, hope, faith and wisdom,
insyaAllah...

*i wanted to put up a pic but thi blog is not letting me... huhu*